Yellow is Bear 31, Cyan Blue is the interviewer, Albert Patterson.
This interview was held on July 23rd, 2032, near Downtown Los Angeles, California, USA, Earth, at around 15:32 PST. WARNING: EXPLICIT CONTENT AHEAD.
Are we on?
Now we are.
Where do you wanna start?
Let's see. How.. do you like your coffee?
Dawg, I don't even drink coffee.
(They both laugh.)
That's like, the worst question you could ask a teddy bear. It's like me asking "Hey, Albert, what kind of stuffing are you made out of?"
(Laughing) God damn, alright. Sorry. Alright, a better question.. where are you from?
I'm from Los Angeles, California. I was made in a toy factory around like 2023, and I remember like, falling from the sky and all of a sudden I'm just on this conveyor belt.
Right.
And I'm like, "what the hell?! Where am I?" So I start running and running and that just freaks everyone out. I remember one worker even fainting like, falling onto solid concrete. (Bear 31 lightly hits the concrete floor of the studio the interview is being held in.) No one tried catching me so I just ran towards the nearest exit sign.
Were you just.. born with this knowledge? As in like, you knew English and what a door was and everything.
Yeah, I don't know where I learned it but I just had it. So I'm running, no one's tryna stop me, and I find a door. I try opening it, but I'm just a fat little teddy bear, I clearly can't.
Mhm.
So I panic and start looking for an some kind of opening, just SOMETHING, y'know?
Yeah.
You didn't say anything to me being fat, by the way.
Man, what do you want me to say? (Laughing) "Oh you're not fat you're the tiniest cutest little teddy bear I've seen!"
(Both laughing.)
I want you to compare me to a twig, you god damn nimwit. Anyways-
(Both laugh, Albert begins weezing.)
Anyways, before SOMEONE rudely interrupted me I- shit man I interrupted myself. (Laughs)
Yeah, that's what I thought.
But yeah uh, I tried breaking a window and it actually worked somehow-
That's some weak ass glass dude.
Will you shut the fuck up?
(Albert laughs.)
Like for once in your life, my god. (Laughs.) But anyways, I began running and it was like 9 P.M. so next to no one was outside. I just ran and ran and got tired so I went behind this bush and took a nap. That's basically my birth story, y'know, like, in summary, I woke up, broke through a window, and slept.
(Sarcastically) Wow, great story.
I swear to everything that is holy I will make you regret your career choices.
Okay sorry. So, when were you picked up by a KHS employee?
It was like 2028, I think? It was some time around then. I remember that the country (United States of America) had a new president or something. At this time, a child left me in a patch of dirt and a group of like 5 people walked by where I was sleeping. One of them thought I looked cool or something, I guess. He picked me up and that fucking scared me, so I started violently shaking my limbs and that terrified the shit out of them.
I remember the day we found you, the whole corporation was freaking out because all other hempatic taramocious species at the time were either incapable of speaking, didn't speak English very well, or were simply not human the way you are.
So basically you.
Mannn, shut up.
(Both laugh.)
But yeah, they took me in and began doin' like, experiments on me. That's when they found out If need to socialize or else I'd become a literal monster.
Bear, I've seen your breakdowns. They're not pretty.
No shit. It's a breakdown. What, do you expect me to start singing Christmas carols, donate a billion dollars to charity, spin around like a little ballerina?
(Laughing) No, I expect you to go to the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
I will kill you.
(Laughing) M'kay buddy.
It's because I'm a teddy bear isn't it? Yeah, bearist. (Laughs.)
Yeah sure. I'm bearist. Your breakdowns, they're not pretty. What do you do during them, to those reading at home?
First of all, I completely forgot this is being recorded. Second of all, readers at home, stay in school. Don't do drugs. I'll get to that in a second. My breakdowns are basically just.. I scream, cry, kick things, throw things around, the whole shabang. All I ask for is to be able to talk to someone daily. I'm very social, kind, and just like people.
I'd disagree with you.
Man, fuck you.
(Both laugh.)
Feisty today, are we?
Dawg, I'm actin' like this 'cause you keep firing me up.
Okay, sorry. Continue with you stupid stories or whatever (Albert laughs).
Can you say something nice for once? Why you gotta be a negative Nancy all the time?
Why are you bringing up sayings from like 1950?
There you go again, I'm just gonna start ignoring you.
(Both laugh.)
(Annoyed) Anyways-
What kind of music do you listen to?
I'll get to that in a bit, but.. what were we even talking about?
(Both laugh; David Alas, manager: "Your breakdowns.")
Right, I go insane. I need to talk to someone like every day, it's my favorite part of the day.
Cool. Do you listen to any music to help calm you down?
Yeah, sometimes I'll listen to some old Kendrick Lamar albums, like "DAMN." or some Kanye West's Donda. I don't fuck with the new music, although it's still good but I don't like Kendrick Lamar's "Mr. Morale & the Big Steppers" that much.
You don't like "Roseberry Drive"? That song is genuinely great.
I never said that, I just don't like the album overall. Too generic in my opinion. I think in like 2021, was it 2021?
What was it in 2021?
When "Donda" dropped.
Uh... yeah it was in 2021. During the whole pandemic on Earth. Why?
I remember hearing about how it was supposed to drop like 2 years before or something, and then when it finally dropped it was like the biggest thing for a while.
Yeah, it was very anticipated. I was.. like 13 when it dropped? I was really into Kanye at that time, still am. Did you ever listen to Kids See Ghosts?
Yes. Great album. I love "Free Ghost Town Pt. 2" off of that album, man.. it makes me feel like a god sometimes but usually I can listen to it and enjoy it like a regular human being.
I personally like "Kids See Ghosts" by Kids See Ghosts from the album "Kids See Ghosts". It's really good.
(Bear 31 begins singing "Kids See Ghosts" by Kids See Ghosts. Albert joins in after 3 seconds. The singing stops after about 15 seconds.)
(Laughing) Man that's awesome. Did you ever buy any Kanye merch?
I bought some Yeezys in like 2029 only to find out they were fake ones. It was like (US)$3,000 today wasted. To put it into perspective, a bottle of water was only like (US)$8.
I know, I remember, dumbass. I'm not THAT young.
Okay, okay. But yeah, wasted money.
Damn. Bozo.
Yeah, I know, I'm stupid for it.
(Laughs.) Yeah, loser. Imagine buying Yeezys, thinking they're the real deal, only to find out they're fake.
Man, shut up. Anyways, uh.. what do you like doing in your spare time?
Bullying you.
(Both laugh.)
Aside from that.
Well, I like playing games like Team Fortress 2.
Isn't Team Fortress like 30 years old?
Don't mean it ain't a good game. Plus on Source 2, the graphics are somehow better and goofier than before. I love that game the way I love my girlfriend.
That was cheesy as hell.
Man, fuck you. Lame ass.
(Laughs) Okay buddy.
Probably ain't ever had a girlfriend in their entire life, entire existence. Never felt the touch of- no, never seen a woman.
(Both laugh.)
God damn. Alright
But team fortress, it's a great game. I don't know why you're hating on it the way you are.
I don't know what you're talking about, dude. I never said it wasn't a good game, just said it's really old. Old but gold.
Old but gold, exactly. Have you ever played it?
No, but I've heard it's a classic.
It really is. You've at least played Minecraft, right? Or W23K, it's an immaculate game. I don't think anyone's heard of it if I'm keeping it real.
Hampton Simulator! I love that game. It's great.
The soundtrack being made by the great Tyler, The Creator was a great decision.
What the hell? He made the soundtrack for that game?!
Yeah! This is like, common knowledge you millennial.
Shut the hell up, I am NOT a millennial. I'm Gen Z.
Okay millennial.
You're literally early late gen alpha reaching beta you god damn loser. (Laughs.)
Okay millennial. (Laughs.)
Whatever. But the soundtrack for W23K was made by Tyler, The Creator? That's insane.
Yeah. What do you like doing in 23K?
I love just running around and killin' shit. Like with the Henderson.
The Henderson? That's for wusses, c'mon man.
Well then, what do you use?
382 revolver, easily the greatest weapon of the game.
That's literally the worst weapon in the whole game (laughs).
That's the point. Everyone sucks with it but being good with nothing but the worst revolver created in the history of mankind really says something about your skill at the game.
(Both laugh.)
I guess. How's life been in KHS' care?
Life's actually been a lot better, considering I was homeless for a time.
Can you give us some stories from when you were a homeless teddy bear in the streets of Los Angeles?
Yeah, sure. Let me think of an interesting story.
In the mean time, I would like to thank KHS for allowing this all to come together. Same to CherryCherry for giving us our studio to hold this interview in. Los Angeles truly is a beautiful place.
Dude what the fuck are you talking about? (Laughs.) It's not beautiful if you're a part of the homeless. I once witnessed a solid 6 people get shot over some meth. Over meth. Think about it. Some parts are nice, sure. Most aren't. South and East LA are awful places to be, while North and West LA are pretty places everyone knows about. Since Mars got terraformed, crime only worsened in Los Angeles, gang violence increased, shit dude poverty went up too. I couldn't do anything but watch.
Damn. That's.. I'm sorry. I hope all of you living in Los Angeles get home safely tonight. Could you elaborate on the 6 people? If it's too traumatic, don't.
I ain't no bitch. I'll tell the story. It was late at night, like I wanna say midnight. On a corner in Compton, on Bennett Street and Oleander Avenue, like on the block with the elementary school; there was a drug deal going on, this guy was charging like $90 for a gram of meth. I was just watching. There were about 8 people involved in the deal. One of em got mad at the price, one thing led to another, the dealer pulls a gun from this bag he has on the others and and boom. He's got like, a rifle, and shoots at 5 of the people. He makes sure they're dead, like double checking them by shooting them once in the head. One guy apparently is alive and has a pistol, shoots the dealer like in his chest and then his head, it was an insane sight. I knew I was safe since I was just a teddy bear, no one thinks about shooting a teddy bear, but the loud bangs still scared me.
Jesus Christ. That's... intense.
Yeah. It was insane. This one girl I dated named Breanne like, shot a crackhead 5 times with a Tec-9 and he apparently kept running.
Hm.
I hope she's doin' well. Breanne, if you're listening, hi. Hope you've found your way out of drugs and violence.
What's the craziest experience you've ever had while living in the streets?
Hm... okay so, I used to move around through gangs like, for example. These two gangs named the Donuts and MVMFUTHAS, which stood for the Most Violent Motherfuckers Under The Hot Arizona Sun, absolutely hate each other like despise one another. I'd join one gang and then join the other, alternating between the two and no one seemed to notice. MVMFUTHAS is native to Arizona, obviously, but they- I'm not going to into the history of MVMFUTHAS unless you want me to.
Go ahead.
Alright. So, the Most Violent Motherfuckers Under The Hot Arizona Sun originated in Gilbert, Arizona in like 2015, on like The Islands. It was founded by Vincent Reyes, better known for his street name "vibin". The Donuts originated in that same place. This is what lead to the main rivalry between the two groups, they both originally tried to take over The Islands of Gilbert, which the MVMFUTHAS ultimately did. The Donuts fell out of power for a while, and then they popped up in Los Angeles, around Compton. That's where the MVMFUTHAS chased them down to make sure they didn't create a sphere of influence there.
Mhm.
That's where all out warfare broke out in Southern Los Angeles. This also reignited some fights between the Bloods and Crips in Compton. The murder rate at one point reached like, 250 murders per 100,000 people, I think? I don't remember, but it was crazy, dude. All because the MVMFUTHAS and Donuts started feuding in LA.
Thas crazy, man. So, from what I understand.. the Donuts and Most Violent MFs feuded in Arizona. The Donuts lost, so they went to LA and tried to..?
The Donuts wanted to take over territory of Los Angeles and some parts of the Inland Empire, but mainly LA.
Mmm, okay, that's something I was a little confused about, like, why did this loser ass gang-
(Both laugh.)
This stupid fucking loser ass wacky ass goofy ass group of pathetic-
(Laughing) Don't fucking say that, they'll get you dawg.
You're telling me I'm supposed to be afraid of this team that couldn't win to the Most Violent MFs Under The Hot Arizona Sun?
Believe it or not, they've actually gained numbers and some strength. They've started feuding with the Bloods and have alliances with Crips and Sureños. They will murder you if you talk shit about them, trust me.
Alright, sorry. So, the Donuts went to LA to gain some territory.
Right.
And then this lead to a whole war in LA that continues to this day.
Yeah basically.
Interesting. Have you ever killed a man?
What the fuck is that question?
I'm just curious, like, you used to be a part of these rivaling gangs, did you ever have to kill someone?
Okay, well. This won't get me arrested, will it?
No, you're protected under our company's legal services.
Alright. My current body count is 14.
You've killed 14 people?
Yes. It was usually because I'm a small teddy bear with some gun and no one suspects a thing, I was a good hitman. I became known as "Big 31" because of my abilities with a firearm.
What abilities were those?
The fuck you think they were? Cooking ramen with the barrel of a gun?
(Both laugh.)
I can literally see all around me without moving. Like that over there, that's the exit sign. (The exit sign was behind Bear 31, Bear 31 did not turn around to see it.)
Right, I forgot. Sorry.
Nah, it's fine. But yeah, I've murdered like 30 people total, as far as I can remember. One of 'em was a pig.
Like a cop?
No shit.
What's the story behind that?
Ok so pretty much, I went to the LAPD's headquarters and, in like 30 seconds, I grabbed a revolver and shot one of those cunts like 5 times with it. Mans' head exploded on the third shot.
God damn.
Since I was just a teddy bear with a gun, they didn't suspect shit and so I got away with it.
That's awesome.
I know, right? This was like, I think 6 years ago? I'm pretty sure the case has gone cold.
Nice.
It just felt like, you know the song Touch the Sky by Kanye?
Yeah.
That's what it felt like.
I'd imagine.
Another one of my kills was in a drive-by shooting, I was the shooter, obviously. They had me in the back passenger seat, I was holding an Uzi. It was like 11 at night. We pulled up on these two guys wearing all like, light pink, so I fired on both of 'em. Didn't mean to kill either one of them, but that's how it ended.
Damn. Are you still murderous today?
Depends on who's asking.
(Both laugh.)
I don't murder anymore. I just want to explore the worlds.
Where would you go if you could go anywhere on Mars? Since like, you're travelling all of earth right now.
Hm. I don't know, good question, actually. Probably like, Hydreon City, somewhere in-
You've never been to Hydreon City?
No, as shocking as that may be, I have not.
God damn.
Anyways, yeah so either Hydreon City, somewhere in Bahaq, or Honeysol Island. I hear Los Ambreras is basically Mars's Los Angeles, which is interesting to me.
Why Bahaq?
It just seems like a beautiful place, like all the huge buildings and beaches and just.. everything about it seems great.
Even the extremists that live in the country?
Shit man, I wanna see what that's like. I know they probably won't capture me because I'm just a stuffed bear, how important of an asset would a stuffed bear be to some terrorist organization?
Okay, fair. What would you do on Honeysol Island?
I'd probably go to Spockton. Have you noticed how every single place named Spockton is just.. ghetto as hell?
Really?
Yeah, you've got Spockton in Los Ambreras, Spockton in Bayson, Spockton in Average, there's 3 different versions of this one city and they're all equally as awful.
Interesting. Which one do you think is the worst?
I hear the one in Average is the worst, but if I had to rank them, I'd consider all things. Crime rate, the amount of homocides yearly, just generally how unsafe each city is. The one in Average's had the most gang related 'nd just general crimes, so that one'd probably rank first on my list of like, most unsafe Spockton on Mars.
(Both chuckle.)
Right, right.
You remember the Bayson robberies, right?
I don't really watch the news, so no.
Have you been living under a fucking rock?
(Both laugh.)
This is like, the biggest gang related bank robbery and just outright biggest heist in the entirety of Mars' history. And it was pretty recent, too.
How recent we talking?
This was literally last year, 2031.
God damn. How much money was stolen?
I think like, (US)$75 million? I don't know but it was a shit ton of money. I remember being in Okansas at the time, in like.. Kingsville, I think the town's called? Yeah, it was crazy. But anyways, second on the list would be probably the one in Bayson, even if it did have the greatest bank robbery. From what I've seen, the violence has died down a bit. Most people from Spockton just exaggerate and use a few incidents so they sound tougher than they really are.
Right. So the one on Honeysol Island would come last?
As of right now, yeah but only because I have yet to visit it. I hear it's awful there, like pollution and shit it's just fuckin'... horrible.
I'm assuming this leads to poverty, which leads to crime.
Pretty much, yeah.
Sad.
I mean, the rest of Honeysol seems nice though.
Yeah. What's Bayside like?
Holy shit, is it beautiful. Generally speaking, if you stay out of the West Cube and stay in the right places, you should be fine. Just like most cities. Downtown's buildings are all over the place and don't really have a consistent theme, but it's still nice to look at. Redwood Mountain's a nice place to be when you want to stay away from the city. No crime, no danger, just wilderness.. it's peaceful. There's alotta nice old people, too.
I'm assuming that's still in Bayson.
Yes, you retard.
(Laughing) Alright.
You ever been to Honeysol?
Yeah, but just that one town at the very edge of the island. It was cool seeing the little fishing area and all the stores there.
Sounds boring.
(Both laugh.)
It wasn't THAT boring. I spent like 3 days there before returning to Koalampia.
Did you just fish the whole time you were there?
(Laughing) No I spent it- ok well, I did fish for like an hour. I just talked to the guy teaching me how to fish and what to do, he was cool and we talked a lot about the history of Honeysol. The little town was founded in 2026, during the U.S.-North Korean war here on earth.
Which one?
Wait what do you mean?
(Both laugh.)
I remember the masses fleeing for Mars during that.
And that's how we developed the same issues that Earth has up on Mars.
(Bear 31 chuckles.)
Earth's livable again, though, which is good. I can continue travelling without being scared of getting shot by some Korean soldier somewhere or some shit.
Same here. What's on your bucket list?
I want to see a Kanye West concert, first of all.
Those are expensive as hell, y'know.
Does it look like I give a shit?
(Both laugh.)
Genuinely. I have a well paying job, I can afford this.
Where do you work?
I work at KHS, I help out there. Shit, I'm even the lead director of like three departments in Genesis.
So you went from being a hempatic taramocious species being studied to the one studying your own kind?
Pretty much, I want to make sure we get the best treatment possible here. Did you hear that they're starting up a new base on Jupiter somehow?
Of course I did. It won't be on the surface but they're gonna have a base orbiting the planet. I want to work there, it sounds cool.
I wanna work there but I'd rather stick to Mars and Earth. Jupiter just sounds too far to me.
In what way?
In distance and just generally.. it'd be too far from everything. It sounds a bit unsafe too, but I'm into that so it ain't gon' be a problem for me if I do manage to somehow snatch a job there.
You got a fear kink?
(Both laugh.)
No, I like risk. I like near death experiences. I like adrenaline.
May as well have a pain kink while you're at it.
(Both laugh, Bear 31 slightly weezing.)
(Laughing) Man, shut the fuck up.
Shit, dude. What's the worst experience you've had in your life, aside from KHS experiments?
Ooh, that's a tough one. Probably... this one time that I almost.. no, there's definitely worse. I don't know, actually. There's this one time that I almost got captured by the US government. That'd probably rank highest on worst experiences I've had, aside from not socializing in KHS experiments.
What's the story behind that one?
Long story short, I got recognized in the street by a pig and the dude started chasing me down lookin' like a whole crackhead. My short stubby legs were no match for a literal human, so I just went into a storm drain nearby to try to escape the dude and he fuckin' called for back up.
Back up for some stuffed bear?
Pretty much. So, I went through the sewers which was absolutely disgusting, and I just. I fuckin' ended up at an exit with like 50 of them government hoes waiting for me. They picked me up and threw me into the back of a police car. I thought it was the end for me, I was going to be exterminated and be tested on for years to come, I was going to be a part of another MK Ultra. But by sheer coincidence, some absolute legend crashed straight into the piggy machine, shattering the back window.
Nice.
I ran and didn't look back, and the government can't do anything to me since I'm protected by KHS. Thanks, by the way.
You're welcome, buddy.
It's crazy, the amount of shit I've gone through just to get to this point.
It really is crazy. Where do you work?
What a dumb ass question.
(Both laugh)
Right, you're..
Lead director in four departments at KHS.
I thought you said three.
No, it's four. Dawg, I've got a question. Tits or ass?
(Both laugh.)
What kind of question is that?
(Laughing) Nah nah nah, I've got a better question. Do you love men?
Bro what the hell are you on about?
I don't even know anymore. I'm out of shit.
Well, what's the hardest part of being Bear 31?
Oh shit, that's actually a great question. Good job, Albert.
Shut the hell up.
(Bear 31 laughs.)
Well, you see. I don't know if you can tell, it's kind of a minor little issue that I have.
Mhm.
It's pretty much an insignificant aspect of my existence, can you guess what it is?
It's the fact that you can't keep a girl for more than a week.
What? (Laughing) No, I don't have fingers you dumbfuck!
Same thing.
They're like completely unrelated you fuckin' idiot.
(Albert laughs.)
Really though, it's a hassle dealing with anything with no fingers. I can still do shit by clenching my tiny teddy paws and what not, but I just imagine it's much easier with fingers.
Right.
You don't realize how lucky you've got it, man.
I mean, I could simulate what it's like to be you by making a fist and then trying to do regular things with said fist.
I want you to try that one day, see how much I struggle to do basic everyday activities.
I'm sure it's absolute hell. What crime do you regret comitting the most?
(Chuckling) Shit, man.
It's alright, think about it. I'll wait.
Bruh I don't wanna hate myself again thinking about it, but here we go. Ok so, in the summer of like 2026, I think? I was in a gang, I'm not going to state which one but I was in a gang, they had a hit for me. They wanted me to raid this guys house and kill him.
Mhm.
I remember though, I got to his house and saw a Spiderman bouncy castle with some Mexican music playing loudly.
Oh no.
My thoughts, exactly. It was like 19:30 (7:30PM), I think. I remember walking out of the car I was being driven in, a red 1968 Ford Mustang.
Right.
I went behind the house, making sure no one would hear me, saw this dude singing a birthday song in a crowd to what I'm assuming was his child. There were so many kids there, dude. So many. I did what I had to do, everyone panicked, ran seperate ways, I ran, hopped in the Mustang, that's the end of that story.
Oh my god dude. That's..
I know. At least like 30 children, literally 6 year olds, scarred forever. All because of my actions.
Well what can you do about it?
Nothing. I can't fucking do anything about it.
Exactly. Don't beat yourself up about it.
Alright man. Anyways, yeah. I never got caught for it.
What is your favorite color?
Probably teal. Mint green. Pastel mint green, for sure.
Do you have any teal clothing?
Yeah, I've got a teal beanie. It's nice, I wear it sometimes.
You have any artifacts from you gangster days?
Ugh, I fucking hate the word "gangster". It's so just.. overused and it doesn't even mean what it originally did, but yes.
Such as..
Well, I have a few articles of clothing, some gifts from gang members here and there.. I think I still have my red bandana from when I was part of the Bloods. Crazy shit.
What are some of the gifts?
Well, I was given this tiny donut themed lanyard by the Donuts, obviously. Someone in the Naranjas gave me gave me a cross necklace, those are the only notable ones I can remember if I'm being honest.
Really? Huh.
Well were you expecting them to give me a fucking rocket launcher?
Honestly, I don't know. Maybe.
You're fuckin' stupid dawg.
(Both laugh.)
Ah man. So, you've killed a lot of people.
Maybe I have.
Has anyone tried killing you?
Actually, yeah. As I mentioned earlier, I was well known in the street as "Big 31" but like, only 3 people total have actually tried to murder me.
Who are those 3?
Dawg, I'm not telling you, I ain't a snitch.
Right. But 3 people have tried to murder you. How?
Do you mean like, murder methods or why they like, wanted to murder me?
I mean murder methods.
Ight, well one of 'em tried lighting me on fire, one tried to drown me, and one tried to pop me.
Can you explain the story behind the shooting?
In summary, I was part of the Crips at this time. This fuckin' idiot in like a black Tacoma sees me waddling down the street and I guess he recognized me as a traitor to them-
Didn't you say that the gang members never realized you were switching between sides?
That was with the Donuts and Futhas, they're fucking dumbasses. LA gangs have some actual intelligence, they'll realize shit.
Alright, thank you for the clarity.
But yeah, he realized that I backstabbed some Bloods and tried firing on me.
That clearly didn't work.
Holy shit, really?
(Both laugh.)
Wow! That's crazy! I thought that guy actually killed me!
Damn, okay, okay. So, what happened to this guy?
I don't know, I think he got arrested but I'm not too sure.
Hm. Do you think he might've gotten arrested for some other reason?
Probably.
That's nice. So, C312.
Oh for fuck's sake. (Laughs)
Can you tell me the background behind that stuff?
It's the worst god damn thing I've ever created.
Why would you say that?
Dawg. (Laughs)
Okay, let's pretend I'm completely new to all of this. What is C312 and why do you hate it so much?
C312 is a dumb ass drug that I created, it's Jamba, coke, and some other chemical, I'd rather not get into it. But it uh, it destroyed a few major cities for some time. Got out and only served 3 months of my 192 year sentence.
What was the prison like?
Everyone was confused as to why a teddy bear was thrown into this prison in Alvason.
Right.
One guy, though. He fuckin' knows who I am somehow, starts walking towards me, picks me up, and tries talking to me. I try to embarrass this guy so I don't say a word, until he takes me to his cell. That's where I actually start talking. Someone walks by the cell and realizes this random ass teddy bear is talking. He freaks the absolute hell out, I mean like full on screamin' shit like "what the hell?! What the hell is that?! Why is it talking? How?!"
How did you respond?
I wanted to mess with his head, so I just said, "No one will believe you." and stopped talking.
Sometimes I'll do something similar but with my friends that're high.
What do you mean?
They'll text me being like "holy mother of the lord I am so high right now send me something funny" and I'll just say some crap like "My cat just stood on its hind legs, spoke the words 'no one will believe you' to me, and went back to normal." They'll just be like "what the hell dude no way that happened" and then I'll be like "It's in your walls. Check the attic." or something to freak them out.
You're a fucking douchebag, you know that?
(Both laugh.)
I prefer the term "tomfooler".
Why do you do this?
Because it's funny.
You suck, bro.
Love you too. You ever tried rapping?
Oh no.
(Both laugh.)
What?
Dawg, don't bring up my rapping. Shit's so bad, I physically coil into a small little teddy bear ball when I listen to it.
(Laughing) Well Bear, I've got some news for you.
(Both laugh.)
I swear to fucking god, Albert.
We're not bringing up your past rapping.
What's the catch?
What are you talking about?
Come on, there's gonna be something that you guys are gonna pull on me. What is it?
We're making you freestyle.
Oh my fucking god.
(Both laugh, "Meat Grinder (Instrumental)" by Madvillain begins playing.)
We have this uh, Madvillain beat, "Meat Grinder" and we're gonna have you rap over it.
Dawg I fucking suck at rapping.
Okay, and? We're still doing this.
(Bear 31 sighs disappointment.)
I hate you.
1, 2, 3, 4.
Okay, uh, this one goes out to you, Albert. I fucking hate you for making me do this shit.
(Albert laughs.)
Alright, let me just feel the beat real quick. (Bear 31 clears its throat.) Okay. Damn this is better than I thought it'd be. Shout out Biggie Bee.
Who's "Biggie Bee"?
Do you ever shut the fuck up?
(Albert laughs.)
Ok. Ahem. Albert, you're a hoe scarer, Albert you're a boat terror, stripping, tipping, whipping all of the minors, pedophile in denial with your blood in my vial, I'm a motherfucking teddy bear, and that's on Jerry Milo, walked my 8 miles, I bypassed my trial, a tad bit suicidal, I'm just a homocidal bitch on the Nile.
God damn.
Records? They're on file, for better or for worse I'm rapping 'bout a nurse in a hearse with a purse that I blurred in the crime scene photos, almost as bad as Toto-
..the hell?
-rapping Jared Leto, this week's Mary Jane cloak. This SpongeBob ass beat.
No, don't stop, keep going.
God damn it. Ahem, Albert, you're a pedophile, a possible necrophile-
Dawg..
-your type's a man who's dead, oh the dread, or a little girl you'll assault, maybe with some basil, nasal cavities full of shit-
(Laughing) Alright, alright, that's enough.
Fine. I hope you enjoyed that, you whore.
I did, until you started callin' me a pedophile.
(Bear 31 laughs.)
Man.
So, you are notorious in KHS for being an absolute badass serial killer turned normal civilian.
Am I?
Yeah. Your most infamous weapon is the pink and white pistol. Is it true you walked into a store to rob it using the pink and white pistol; only to have the cashier faint from horror?
(Hysterically laughing) Oh my god, yes. I remember that. I still have Pink and White. I listen to Frank Ocean when I have it strapped, sometimes.
But about the robbery.
Yes, that happened. It was hilarious. I walked into the store with Pink and White and everyone stared looked at this stupid fucking teddy bear struggling to stand up with some pink Glock.
Right.
And the cashier fucking looks at me, screams bloody murder, and faints. Like just straight up collapses.
Oh man.
Needless to say, that was a pretty easy robbery.
Were you ever caught for it?
Nope.
God damn. Good job.
Thank you.
I've heard some members of KHS discuss your "Walla Walla Domple-tear" incident.
Who the fuck calls it that?
Everyone in the company does.
(Laughing) What in the ever loving god does that even refer to?
When you were kidnapped and shipped across America, supposedly shot like 5 people during the whole ordeal, became a drug dealer..
OH, yeah, yeah, I know what you're talking about. Why the fuck do people call it the, what is it, Wall-e Bing Bangle or some shit?
(Both laugh)
No clue.
Well yeah, I prefer to call the "Fly Zone Incidents". Sounds so much better than shit sock or whatever.
(Albert laughs.)
Real mature, Albert.
Didn't you laugh at like titty pics once?
(Laughing) Bro, shut the fuck up. But yeah, the Fly Zone Incidents were when I got fuckin' kidnapped from my home and taken to some warehouse, I was forced to teach these guys how to make C312 and then they mailed me somewhere across the desert.
Right.
So I'm picked up by this guy in a gas mask. He kicks the box I was in and then throws his gas mask and reveals that it's.. (Albert's stupid fucking mouth is agasp) ..literally no one of significance.
Wasn't that guy that's like, crucial to your life story?
I said no one of significance to ME.
No you didn't.
Whatever, you know what I mean.
Okay, buddy.
Well anyways, this guy picks me up and just punches me. Like I mean beating the shit outta me.
Right.
And then I get transported to some warehouse in like.. L.A. I think, and these people in these black ski masks start pointing they guns at me sayin' all this shit about making C312 and the recipe and whatnot.
Mhm.
And I don't fucking care because what are they gonna do, burn me alive, y'know? But this is where it gets scary.. those sons of bitches actually WERE gonna burn me alive if I didn't give them that stupid formula.
God damn.
So, I figured, what's the worst that can happen from others gaining this information?. Turns out, not that much.
Really?
No, I'm kidding. C312 caused a borderline epidemic and war to break out in the entirety of Los Angeles, like I'm talkin' shootouts between rival groups daily, robberies, kidnappings, you name it and it was probably goin' down.
Jesus.
I remember this one time, I was chillin' in like Perris. There was this white van driving down like the 215 or some shit, right?
Wait, Paris? Like in France? I thought this was in-
No, P-E-R-R-I-S. It's a small city Southeast of L.A., pretty barren there honestly.
Who the hell?
I don't know, man
(Both chuckle)
But like.. some sedan or some shit speeds next to the van and starts ramming into it, the van's honking at the sedan.
God damn.
After like a few smacks, the sedan manages to like, flip the van into the dirt on the side of the road, and 3 guys get out of the sedan with like M4's or some shit and just start shootin' at the van.
Wow.
And